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The last episode of Mr. Sportsknowitall, 40-plus years of reader pain
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The last episode of Mr. Sportsknowitall, 40-plus years of reader pain

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Ken grew up in Chicago and is a Doane College grad. His Mr. Sportsknowitall column appears Sundays, and he covers a variety of beats.

Mr. Sportsknowitall: My last three questions: First, isn’t a question, so forget it. Second, do you get royalties from Wikipedia, Twitter, Facebook and all that stuff? Third, is there going to be a “Best of Mr. Sportsknowitall" before you retire? D.E.

First, I didn’t know the answer to your nonquestion, but I’ll guess 13,342 and John Quincy Adams, will suffice as answers. Second, I am royalty — many people call me a royal pain. Third, we haven’t had any material that meets a standard of “best.” This is the best, don’t you think?

Mr. Sportsknowitall: Any pet peeves as you leave? T.R.

I only wish I could share more wisdom. Remember, I have a college degree. As Isaac Asimov said: “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” As Abraham Lincoln said: “The trouble with quotes from the internet is you can never know for sure if they are genuine.” (That was after he forgot the address to give the Gettysburg Address. He had forgotten the zip code for southeastern Pennsylvania. And Bo Pelini once said, "#$%&*@").

Mr. Sportsknowitall: Is it true you are the new commissioner of sports, combining curling and soccer? W.D.B.

No. I am working on it, though. Maybe some horses, a bobsled run and rifles.

Mr. Sportsknowitall: Baseball is going to experiment with the manager waving at the ump instead of a four-pitch intentional walk to shorten baseball to under three hours. Will this work? G.G.

According to our research, this will save just over one and a half pitches per game — or about 45 seconds. Reasonable rules were turned down. The best change would be to have better batting gloves — maybe like surgical gloves that don’t slip because it seems batters take minutes between pitches, even if they just watch the pitch fly by, to adjust their gloves, helmets and clothing around the lower-central part of the body, while the pitcher walks around the mound, shakes off seven signs, then steps off the mound, walks around some more and lobs a ball to first now and then. Want to really speed up the game? Allow the hitter to go to first OR third, and work his way around the bases. If you want to gamble, run straight to second base, but you still have to touch the other three bases to score. Mr. Sportsknowitall has suggested changes to basketball, too. Remember, the game was invented in 1890, and a 10-foot basket was just an arbitrary choice. But the average height of basketball players has increased more than a foot in 120 years, and there’s the same 10-foot high basket. Raise the basket or, better yet, lower it to 3 feet. That takes away genetic advantage on how close you are to the hoop and makes it an equal game for all the people all of the time.

Mr. Sportsknowitall: Will you please publish this in the Sunday column? J.H.

No.

Reach the writer at 402-473-7313 or khambleton@journalstar.com. On Twitter @PanchoHam

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Ken grew up in Chicago and is a Doane College grad. His Mr. Sportsknowitall column appears Sundays, and he covers a variety of beats.

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