The Husker football team has been losing a lot lately. I recently figured out why. Their opponents have been cheating! Every last one of them. Of course, I have absolutely no evidence of it, but just trust me.
Because of this cheating, I’m suggesting some changes be made. From now on, the Huskers get five downs, and all touchdowns are worth 14 points. To further ensure fairness, the opponents don’t get to have water on the sidelines. Oh, and anyone who brings them water will be arrested. If the cheating cheaters protest these changes, it’s now legal to run them down with your car.
Oh, and we’re changing the slogan on Memorial Stadium – “In the Deed, the Glory." That’s loser talk. I’m thinking something more like, “Win at all costs – pride, shame and integrity be damned,” or “Rig the districts, limit the vote!”
Wait, did I say vote? I wasn’t talking politics, I was talking football. I just want my team to win every single time even if their policies aren’t effective or popular and don’t represent the will of the electorate – I mean even if their players or play calling aren't as effective. Also, Fordham? Really?
Tom Tiegs, Lincoln