I own this novelty T-shirt. I don’t wear it anymore. It has words on it: “No Job, No Money, No Car, But I’m in a Band!”

I stopped wearing the thing when I turned 26, the age that still fits me.

I was 22 when I last woke up at “Noon Thirty,” and 23 when I stopped watching “The Real World,” and 24 when I saved my first coupons.

They were coupons to Popeyes Chicken, sure, but I was really growing up.

One day at 25, I bought a pair of Dockers and tucked a shirt into them. Another day I found myself driving down a highway listening to AM radio. Horrified? Yes, you could say I was that.

The process of finding maturity can be slow … slower … slowest —  but I was on my way.

And I suppose I’d almost have it found if not for that stupid, fantastic video game.

Its name is NCAA Football 2008. I was 26, on the edge of being a full-fledged grown-up, when I bought it.

Call it silly. Call it a surefire way to lose your girlfriend. I call it an annual obligation.

Of course, there is a certain comfort in knowing that I am joined in my dorkdom. Call me a loser for opening the package and simulating Nebraska’s 2007 season. Just know that there are others like me.

So keep us in your thoughts and prayers, and while you’re doing that I’ll let you in on a secret between me and my PlayStation: Nebraska is going to win the Big 12 championship this year.

There’s one catch: Bill Callahan needs to change his hairdo.

Preseason

The game lets you create the look of the team’s coach. So I started making Bill Callahan.

By an accidental controller click, I gave Callahan a mullet. This was not noticed until my PlayStation 2 (I don’t play enough video games to make getting a PS3 worth it) alerted me that Nebraska had made the cover of ESPN Magazine’s preseason college football issue.

And there it was, with the headline START OF A DYNASTY, and, in smaller print: “Coach Callahan has big plans for the Cornhuskers.”

The coach was pictured. He still looked confident despite the hair debacle. Bring on the season.

(#14) Nebraska 45, Nevada 7

We enter Memorial Stadium with an overhead view leading us to animated announcers Brad Nessler, Kirk Herbstreit and Lee Corso.

They have creepy robot arms.

“It’s a picture-perfect day,” Nessler says.

Herbstreit: “Nebraska is led by their outstanding linebacker. His talent is unparalleled.” My PlayStation shows me Steve Octavien. I think Steve should adopt this as his new greeting to all females: Hi, I’m Steve Octavien. You may or may not know that my talent is unparalleled.

As for myself, I decide I don’t want to waste the next 40 minutes of my life watching computer football, so I simulate this baby quick.

The PlayStation says Nebraska’s starting quarterback is a senior who wears No. 3. Since Sam Keller wore No. 5 in the spring game and is now wearing No. 9, I’m not going to get too mad at EA Sports about this one.

And if No. 3 is not supposed to be Sam Keller, I’m going to pretend it is.

Anyway, the Huskers roll. It’s 21-zip after one and 31-zip at half, even though I suspended Maurice Purify for one game.

For some reason, neither Cody Glenn nor Marlon Lucky is my starting running back.

In fact, Lucky must have a wedding or something, because he didn’t even play. I’m going to need to make a few changes.

Wake Forest 21, (#13) Nebraska 16

OK, I moved Lucky up the depth chart, got Mo Purify back in the lineup. Huskers still lose.

It was a 7-3 lead for the Corn at the half, but Keller throws a couple second-half interceptions and Wake goes up 21-10.

NU gets a TD back, but inexplicably doesn’t go for an onside kick with only a minute on the clock. I know the real Callahan would have done otherwise. The mullet is not working.

(#18) Nebraska 40, (#1) Southern Cal 10

One minute in, Zack Bowman picks off John David Booty’s first pass and takes it 39 yards for a TD.

Pete Carroll has apparently been binge-eating sushi because he is fat in PlayStation world. This is obviously distracting the USC players.

Nebraska moves the ball as it wants, but USC still has a shot halfway through the fourth quarter, down 23-10. Going in for six, Booty throws it right to Cortney Grixby, who runs it back 76 yards for a score.

If this really happened: I see falling goalposts, T.J. Simers getting depantsed on O Street and my Sunday Journal Star headline: “SO CAL, SO CRUSHED!” (Lead photo of Grixby with No. 1 finger extended as he crosses the goal line.)

(#13) Nebraska 31, Ball State 7

Huskers trail 7-6 late in the third quarter, until wide receiver Nate Swift tells the boys to get on his back.

In a seven-minute span, Swift catches 3 TDs. The Huskers are 3-1 in non-conference. Good enough?

(#12) Nebraska 45, Iowa State 31

My PlayStation just told me Zach Potter skipped his position meeting and recommended I suspend him a game. I told my PS to loosen up and kept him out half.

It’s a bad half without Potter. NU is down 24-14 at halftime, but then Corey McKeon picks off one. Two minutes later, Lucky scores on a 33-yard romp. Huskers never trail again.

After week 5, my PlayStation tells me Nebraska is second in total yards, behind Louisville. I share this with my dog, Tory. He looks embarrassed for me.

(#11) Nebraska 30, Missouri 28

In the game many think will decide the Big 12 North championship, the Huskers rally from a 21-10 halftime deficit. Nebraska scores two touchdowns in the third, but Mizzou answers with one of its own to go up 28-24.

But the Huskers simply had too much Jake Wesch, the pride of North Bend. He kicks two fourth-quarter field goals, the final one a 25-yarder with 44 seconds left.

(#9) Nebraska 24, (#22) Oklahoma State 17

I don’t know if Chris Brooks can play in real life, but he’s like Randy Moss on my game. No one can stop the sophomore wide receiver, definitely not Okie State.

His second touchdown with four minutes left gives Nebraska all the points it needs.

(#9) Nebraska 14, (#19) Texas A&M 13

Cody Glenn scores a fourth-quarter TD to put NU up 14-7. The Aggies quickly drive down the field and score with 4:22 left, only to botch the extra point. That sounds about right for Coach Fran.

Nebraska is now ranked No. 7 in the BCS rankings, and my PS tells me Callahan is considered the 12th-best coach in America.

(#8) Nebraska 31, (#12) Texas 10

Bevo has the flu, or maybe Colt McCoy is having woman troubles, or else Mack Brown lost his headset. After this score, I’m starting to think a Nebraska grad works for EA Sports.

(#6) Nebraska 35, Kansas 17

Kansas led 17-14 going into the final quarter, but Nebraska comes back again. Swift catches a TD pass and so does tight end J.B. Phillips.

Very underrated fight song: University of Kansas.

Kansas State 39, (#5) Nebraska 36 (4 OT)

The Wildcats score a late TD on Kevin Cosgrove’s defense to tie it.

Overtime gets crazy. Both teams settle for field goals the first two. In the third overtime, Lucky scores, but Nebraska fails the required two-point conversion. The Wildcats then score a TD, but fail the conversion, too.

K-State kicks a field goal in the fourth overtime. Nebraska isn’t so fortunate. Inside the 10, on the doorstep of glory, Keller throws the ball right to a Wildcat linebacker.

(#11) Nebraska 34, Colorado 14

Keller throws four touchdowns in the snow. Again, EA Sports wasn’t totally accurate in this one, though. Where was the flying debris from the CU student section?

Nebraska wins the Big 12 North with a 7-1 conference record, two games ahead of Missouri and K-State.

Big 12 Championship

(#9) Nebraska 17, (#6) Oklahoma 14

How’s this for a storyline: Keller gets injured late in the first quarter, sending Joe Ganz to the rescue. It’s 7-7 at halftime until Ganz hits Nate Swift on a 27-yard touchdown midway through the third.

Trailing 17-7, Oklahoma scores with 2:35 left. But Lucky and Glenn grind out the clock. Nebraska wins the Big 12 championship.

Fiesta Bowl

(#6) Nebraska 42, (#7) West Virginia 17

Another Husker trip to the Fiesta Bowl, another romp. Keller throws four touchdowns. Swift catches two of them. Apparently, he did so well my PlayStation tells me he’s turning pro.

To clinch it, McKeon intercepts a pass and runs it back 24 yards for the score.

So there you have it. Nebraska’s going 12-2 and finishing fifth in the country.

My dog looks at me with skepticism. I hit the power button and go back to trying to be a grown-up.

Reach Brian Christopherson at 473-7438 or bchristopherson@journalstar.com.