Award winning former foster child works to help others

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By JoANNE YOUNG / Lincoln Journal Star

Aaron Weaver remembers his last visit — at age 6 — with his biological mother.

Even with the reassurance of his soon-to-be adoptive mother, he dreaded seeing the woman who as a young child made him fear nearly all women.

For six years, his dread had mixed with anger. He had been removed from his mother’s Lincoln home shortly after birth and had lived with five different foster families or relatives by the time he was 3.

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Aaron Weaver is a Direct Support Professional for a group home in Lincoln and also the recent recipient of the Outstanding Young Leader Award for Advocacy and Foster Care Reform award. (Michael Paulsen)

Aaron Weaver is a Direct Support Professional for a group home in Lincoln and also the recent recipient of the Outstanding Young Leader Award for Advocacy and Foster Care Reform award. (Michael Paulsen)

One of those placements was at his grandparents’ home in Montana where, at age 2, he was subjected to more abuse and neglect — not only from his mother’s parents, but also his older sisters, who had learned from the adults in their lives how to mistreat the little boy.

In his first three years of life he endured beatings, sexual abuse, a nail hammered into the bridge of his nose, his hair snatched out in chunks, leaving bald spots and hair stained red from blood.

Now, at age 24, Aaron Weaver wants people to understand what it’s like for foster children, and what can help them survive and thrive, despite the effects of abuse and neglect.

In an essay last winter for “Focal Point,” a professional children’s mental health journal, he described what it was like for him on that last visit with his mom, before he would legally belong to his foster family, as he watched his case worker approach in her car.

In my mind the car was coming toward us very slowly, like a hearse carrying someone’s remembered relative or friend. I felt very alone, and very much like I might soon be the person in the back of the hearse.

He liked his caseworker but did not like to see her on those Tuesdays she came to take him to his biological mother’s house, even with his foster mother’s reassurance.

My foster mom brought her mouth close to my ear and said, “Sweetie, I will be right here waiting for you when you get back.”Trust was hard for Aaron Weaver, especially trust of women. It had taken a long time to warm up to his foster mom, Cheryl.

He hadn’t expected any family to ever want him.

I do not really remember the car pulling into the building parking lot, or the walk into the building, up the stairs and to the door with the number five hanging from a nail. What I do remember is the look on the face of my bio-mom as she gazed through me.

“How many times have I told you to call me before you come?” she said. “You know I never remember these visits, and I just called your aunt to come take me to get some fast food.”

He was never comfortable with her. She brought him to tears.

“But still,” he said, “I wanted her to be my mom.“

He wanted her to love him.

At the same time, he wanted her to never want to see him again.

And he felt guilty about his foster parents.

“I felt I shouldn’t let them love me and I shouldn’t love them,” he said.

That last time with his biological mother lifted a weight from him.

We said good-bye the way two people do who have just met but will never see one another again. I was finally free of those terrible Tuesdays.When he got back home his foster mom was right there, where she said she would be, waiting to hug him. He experienced an emotion he had not recognized before. It was love, and it allowed him finally to begin to let go of his pain.

Richard and Cheryl Weaver adopted their foster son and put their heart, money and time into helping him overcome the anger and mistrust that manifested itself for a number of years in a bad temper, fights and attention deficit problems.

Tragedy and trauma walk hand in hand in the lives of so many youth today, particularly those who are involved in the child welfare system. ... The challenge in life is overcoming the tragedy and facing the trauma in a way that allows us to resolve the conflict within ourselves.

Aaron still has mixed feelings about his biological mother. Even though she had tormented him, she gave him a chance at real hope when she insisted he and his sisters be removed from their grandparents’ home and returned to Lincoln.

He eventually made it to the Weavers’ home, where they offered a stable, reliable support system. They got him involved in sports and volunteer work. They paid for therapy.

And they never backed down from any challenge or “test” he threw their way, no matter how extreme.

With their help, Aaron worked his way out of the things that can break a child for life. As a young adult, he has become a leader in advocating for other foster children and working to improve the foster care system.

Last week, in Washington D.C., he received an award from the FosterClub organization, a national network of young people who have been in foster care, and Kids Are Waiting, a national project of the Pew Charitable Trusts.

They named him a 2008 Outstanding Young Leader.

Aaron met with Sens. Ben Nelson and Chuck Hagel and Rep. Jeff Fortenberry, telling his story, bringing to light what foster children would like to see changed, and urging them to enact federal foster care reforms.

Foster care, he said, was intended to temporarily remove children from situations of abuse and neglect. But far too many spend years waiting to return safely to their families or to be adopted.

Celeste Bodner, executive director of FosterClub, said too many young people stay in foster care until they are 18 and leave unprepared for life on their own and without a permanent connection to family.

Nebraska is trying to change that, setting goals to have 70 percent of state wards in in-home care, with support, by 2011, said Jeanne Atkinson, spokeswoman for the Nebraska Department of Health and Human Services.

The numbers of foster children being adopted is also trending up here. In 2003, 297 were adopted. Last year, that number was up to 462, Atkinson said.

As of May 5, 3,151 Nebraska children were in some type of foster care.

Looking at my life now, I understand the worth every child has and the potential that could be unlocked with just a little understanding and patience, and a whole lot of caring.

Reach JoAnne Young at 473-7228 or jyoung@journalstar.com.