What I Believe: Deslie Ervin

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By COLLEEN KENNEY / Lincoln Journal Star

The little girl grabbed her silver and gold baton and told herself she would do it this time, kill the monster.

He was in the living room, on top of her mom.

The little girl was 5 years old and had yet to learn to twirl. She stood behind her bedroom door, peeking out, heart beating fast, waiting for him to walk by again. She would jump out and strike.

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Deslie Ervin (Heidi Hoffman)

Deslie Ervin (Heidi Hoffman)

She was supposed to be in bed. But she’d watched the monster drag her mom down the hallway by the hair. As he started back down the hall, a giant praying mantis, the little girl heard a voice in her head, her own little voice.

You know what? Mom is so much bigger than me, and look what he does to her. If I do this, it’s not him who’s going to die.

She dropped the baton.

Deslie Ervin, now 32 years old, believes suffering is part of life. But out of suffering can come knowledge.

She remembers crying that night and most every night until she grew up and became an artist, a lover of life, a painter of nudes and colors and swirls and fetuses with wings and female curves, a mother of a little girl she paints in shades of yellow.

She paints from her own life … a ripped family portrait, her dad painted handsome and strong. That was before the divorce, before the monster came into her mom’s life for a few years. … The words “I’ll throw a party when you die” on a dark piece of art, inspired by the monster. … A little girl in a dress standing up to a giant praying mantis.

She remembers fixing the monster drinks when she was a little girl, and how he made her drink them, too. She remembers him coming through her own bedroom door.

She wouldn’t change a brush stroke.

Suffering saturates the physical plane, she says, but people control their own spirits, their perceived emotional pain from the past. They can find art, and turn pain into beauty and meaning, give birth. They can choose to laugh and love and use joy as a weapon. They can pray, heal, help others who hurt.

They can learn to twirl.

Colleen Kenney is on leave. Reach her editors at citydesk@journalstar.com.