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L. Kent Wolgamott: Tuning out annoying Christmas music proves impossible

Friday, Dec 24, 2004 - 09:49:39 am CST

Back in 1989 when the U.S. Army was trying to convince Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega to give himself up, it bombarded with music the Vatican Embassy, where he'd holed up, believing a high-decibel dose of Guns N' Roses would force him into surrender.

That tactic didn't work real well, perhaps because the Army chose the wrong kind of music.

Forget heavy metal, the troops should have cranked up the Christmas songs.

Imagine, if you will, the psychological impact of a few hours of "Jingle Bells," "Rudolph the Red- Nosed Reindeer," "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" and "I'll Be Home for Christmas" repeated at maximum volume.

For me, loudness wouldn't be necessary. A steady diet of Christmas music would drive me nuts.

It sure wouldn't take 24 hours of Mannheim Steamroller to chase me out of my spiderhole. It might not take 24 minutes before the sentimental, overblown schlock had its mind-numbing effects.

By now, it's pretty clear that I don't care much for Christmas music.

Why that is, I'm not sure.

Some of it has to do with the syrup that usually is a prime ingredient in Christmas recordings.

Some is likely because of the relatively limited repertoire of music that bombards innocent bystanders through the month of December. Actually the 24/7 assault started in November this year, another sign of the coming apocalypse.

Sure, there are hundreds of holiday songs. But there are only a couple of dozen that get regularly recorded. And played over and over and over.

There are always new arrangements of the tired chestnuts, aimed at releasing them from their pre-rock-era limbo.

But when Bruce Springsteen can't take "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" into the stratosphere, where are lesser artists likely to end up when they choose not to go with the usual string-laden arrangements? You got it — dullsville.

Some Christmas songs, however, manage to go beyond boredom to a special circle of aural torture.

Among those is the earworm titled "Little Drummer Boy," a song so diabolically cloying that it can even get the best of Joan Jett, who makes everything she touches cool.

Then, every year or two, some genius comes up with another obnoxious novelty song.

That's a tradition that goes back at least to the annoying "The Chipmunk Song" and includes such classics as "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" and those barking dogs.

These musical equivalents of the Chia pet not only confirm the maxim that there's a sucker born every minute, they are blatant examples of the retail reason for the season: sell as much as possible, even if it is junk.

I don't loathe all Christmas music. "Silent Night" is one of the greatest voice/guitar songs ever written, and the standard hymns and carols are uplifting — at least the first few times you hear them.

But most secular Christmas songs are hard to take and impossible to avoid.

There are, however, a few exceptions to that rule.

The other day, John Lennon's "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" came on my Sirius radio, and I turned it up.

I hadn't heard it for years and its plea for peace is as appropriate today as it was back in the Vietnam era.

Then Jett's "Little Drummer Boy" started coming out of the speaker, and I had to punch the preset button before I drove my car into a building.

If I can just make it to Sunday.

Reach L. Kent Wolgamott at 473-7244 or kwolgamott@journalstar.com.